In 2014, I failed in my attempt of giving birth to my 2nd child! Hormones and emotions took over me and I became slave of my negative emotions – so much that I failed to see and appreciate what I already had. I didn’t want to be touched by anyone or speak to anyone at all. My husband and my then 6yr old daughter didn’t give up on me and did everything patiently to help me realise what I meant to them. I slowly valued their efforts and gathered the courage to face the world being double faced, living in pretence – happy and healthy from outside and still broken from inside (which not many knew then). I was also blessed to have some very compassionate and understanding friends who supported me knowing this is not me and it only is a temporary phase. There were a few who gave-up on me and found their excuses to part away – despite my failed attempts to reach out to them. It upset me and sometimes pushed me back into the dungeon, where my loving family was trying to constantly pull me back from. Some days went well and some not so well!
I wouldn’t say that I hadn’t lost the will to live then, as I had started to feel like a burden upon everyone, who were dealing with my new tantrums and mood swings patiently and every day. Their being extra kind and caring sometimes made me feel like a looser. But my love for them was greater than any other feelings I had dwelling in me from time to time then. I really wanted to come out of it all and wanted to feel like being myself again! So I started making efforts of going and meeting friends, speaking to everyone who called and finally returning back to friends and family chat groups. I also got back to my reading and saw this suggestion somewhere of this book called ‘The power of I am’ by Joel Osteen. Anyone in good Mental health will laugh over it and say he is just going in circles about the same thing. But it worked for me, by going in circles it reminded me about what I had forgotten about myself – halfway through the book I felt as if a magic happened and it was a moment of epiphany for me! I got up from the bed feeling me! Yes, me again!!! That day it taught me one thing that believing in your abilities with constant and steady steps no matter where you are, will get you where you want to be.
No matter what others think and no matter how others treat you – what you think and how you treat yourself is what will matter the most.
Ofcourse a loving and nurturing environment are the pillars but unless you learn to stand by yourself, pillars can only remain as pillars, waiting for you to hold on to them.
The words that my Brother-in-law said to me when I first returned to the family chat group also helped me wake up a little more after the episode and still resonates with me every single day, he said, “What we have is more important than what we could have”. These words as profound as they are, they are not new or nothing that we don’t know about; yet meant so much in that moment and almost brought me back to reality. What we say and when, definitely matters! This entire healing and learning process took me almost 1 year and I got back to being that same happy chirpy self, and social animal that I always have been.
And then, once again, the same story repeated in May 2019 with few other triggers from past and present attached, the only difference was, I was more aware this time of what was happening within me, I definitely had gone quieter but I used this time to become even stronger emotionally. This time I kept myself aware of all the emotions flowing through me and if I was sad and wanted to cry, I cried and I cried in front of my daughter if the need be, explaining her everything I was going through. Her empathy and my acceptance of vulnerability made our bond even stronger and helped us face the realities together. There was no hiding away of my feelings this time and was very vocal about it all with my dear Husband too, who supported and respected my feelings and gave me the required space. This helped me in realising that I don’t have to depend on anyone to heal myself. I am the one in charge.
I started reading, watching and listening some of the motivational aids, which taught me the importance of meditation, along with morning and before bedtime rituals of connecting with myself before I connect with anyone else. I did that, practiced and tired different options to see which fits well into my lifestyle. I was once again back to being myself within 3 months. Ofcourse my past experience came very handy but this time I had discovered how I had complete control over my own self with the practice of self-control and meditation. I became fully aware of everything I felt, thought, behaved, said, reacted, heard, what truly made me happy and what upset me and how I had control over not letting that feeling affect me.
This truly has been a transformational experience for me that has led me to strongly believe, it was all meant to be and for a good reason – Yes, it also firmed up my belief in spirituality, which had been a bit wobbly over the past few years. I am still learning a lot of things about myself and the world around me and do make mistakes sometimes or get tempted to use the shortcuts of life, but one thing I have decided is there is no going back and there never will be a moment again when I am not connected to myself. I am ever so thankful for a wonderful world that my loving family and friends together create for me and I feel ready to give this love and care to anyone in need, so please do reach out and I along with everyone so loving and caring here will definitely be able to help.
The life that I have lived from Aug 2019 have been of highest quality each day and I am genuinely in love with everyone I see, meet or interact with. Almost nothing or no one can bother me anymore. I am easily able to let go things and accept and embrace everything that is! Don’t judge or fear being judged in anyway, accept everyone just the way they are trying to step into their shoes each time – knowing things, people and situations change. I have tremendous patience for everything I wish to change and start & end each day in gratitude. I am happy and content all the time.
I am so glad I embarked on this journey and have learnt so much being on this road to recovery. I would be really happy to help you too if the need be and together, we will make it all better.
Some of you may be wondering this was no big deal! Failed pregnancies happen and there are so many who move on. Yes, they do, and I did too when I could get into the right frame of mind. Everyone’s Mental Health and Physical Health capacities are different in dealing with any given situation. Even though I consider myself as a strong and courageous woman, I succumbed to something that may sound like not a big deal to many. Today, I am glad I did, because it made me realise that how disconnected I was with my own self all along, and now, that will never ever happen again. When we connect with our inner self we are ready to deal with anything, unmoved.
Adversity always comes with a bigger lesson than our understanding in that moment, we need to be ready to embrace it all.
Please feel free to ask me anything if my story inspires you to get back on to your road to recovery for being and feeling yourself…
And I encourage you to share yours too, when you feel ready.
Love and light to all 💚💚💚🤗
A very keen Learner and Writer, but most importantly a Mother 💞|| Mental and Emotional Health Advocate || Love Saree Culture Nature Children || Digital Transformation Leader || Blockchain AI IOT Enthusiast but a Human first 💗